upon my request

Dec 15, 2018 |

I died the day he left me. Actually, I am the one who got into the car and drove away. I resisted it fiercely but somewhere deep down I knew that I had to. After it ended, for me, there was nothing left. My whole life felt like it ended also, and in a way, it did. My heart was shattered and I was destroyed. 

I wasn’t suicidal by any means, but believe me when I say, death would have been a welcomed respite. I never knew a pain like this existed but conversely, I never knew a love like this existed either. I can safely assume we have all feared death at some point in our lives but I don’t fear it anymore. I have seen a vision of my physical death and it is very peaceful. I also believe that we never really die, that our physical body ceases to function on this earth plane and our souls live on to move into the next phase. I am not talking about physical death here though, I am talking about the spiritual kind. The death I experienced was while I was living. It was an excruciating, devastating blow to my heart and soul and NOTHING was left; I was blown to pieces. I don’t fear a physical death because a worse one has already occurred, worse than one where I won’t be alive after. At the end of my life I believe I will cease to breath, my heart will no longer beat and my soul will leave my physical body. I believe I will go to the spirit side and be a free soul who knows no pain or suffering. That kind of death sounds beautiful to me…especially when compared to the death I had while I was still alive. Everyone grieves differently, but how do you grieve your own death?

With the greatest death comes the greatest rebirth. I was going through the worst death I believe I will ever face, call it an awakening if you will. If you ask my mom she will tell you she felt scared, helpless and she knew that there was nothing she could do to make it better. There was nothing anyone could do, including me. I knew I just had to go through it and feel it; and feel it I did. Every. Single. Day. Moment after moment, day after day, week after week and month after month. The only time I felt relief was for 3 brief seconds as I was waking up in the morning. You know that moment between sleep and wake where your body is just coming back to this world, that is when it came. Those 3 seconds gave me hope, they were all I had left and what I held on to and looked forward to every day. There was no respite in my dreams, they were as dark as my reality. I was convinced that not only would I never be happy again but that I would never even be just ok. This wasn’t a normal loss, it was a devastating loss of the other half of my soul, my Twin Soul who I have been loving for thousands of lifetimes. So I did the only thing I was able to…feel the pain. I cried in the shower, I cried in yoga, I cried in the grocery store, I cried on the way to work, I cried in the bathroom at work, I cried on the way home from work, I cried in the parking lot sitting in my car because I didn’t want to get out and go inside because I knew it would be there too. The pain. It was clear it was there to stay. Have you ever noticed how after you cry, after the tears have wet your eyes, everything looks more clear? Colors, shapes and especially nature. It is like a cleansing, a subtle rebirth allowing me to now look at the world anew. My tears were my friends and crying was really the only thing my body wanted to do. Looking back now I suppose it was my body’s way of cleansing me, detoxing me and washing away all that no longer served me.

I was unaware at the time that in losing him on the physical level I would find myself becoming more and more connected to him on the spiritual level, and inevitably, more and more connected to my highest and truest self. This was how I learned that unconditional love actually does exist. That subsequently catapulted my journey back to the unconditional love I now have for myself.

“It takes getting everything you ever wanted and then losing it to know what true freedom is.”          ~Lana del Ray

A friend sent me a random youtube video of a man reading a poem about love. This line in particular struck a deep chord within me: “About how I love you the same way I learned how to ride a bike, scared…but reckless and with no training wheels or elbow pads so my scars can tell the story of how I fell for you.” I heard once that out of suffering emerge the strongest souls with the most massive characters and yet they are seared with scars. While I have the invisible scars that remind me of that time, I now understand, respect and am eternally grateful for the love that left me. I realized some time later that the greatest act of love that could have been bestowed upon me was by leaving me. It was an act of courage and faith that was completely devoid of understanding.

You read these words and perhaps you feel the pain that I once knew, the pain that destroyed me, crippled me and debilitated me…but I no longer live there, I moved out some time ago. Whether I was evicted or made a conscious decision to leave, I don’t know, but I left and it was time. I was meant to die and I was meant to leave. It was all a part of the plan I knew deep inside of me and over time I began to figure it out. I called upon him, I manifested him into my life at that time because my soul knew I was ready. It was time for me to wake up and he was the only one who held the key. Awakening is this beautiful madness full of the brightest light I could know and I have learned I must shine that light from within and not expect it to come from somewhere else.

Ironically my deepest pain and my greatest death came from the most beautiful love I have ever known; a love that keeps growing stronger as I come to know my true self more intimately. There is only one kind of love with the capability to kill you and resurrect you, in the most transformative way possible, and that is unconditional love. Standing in the flames of a beautiful pain, this was my resurrection.

The craziest part about all of this is I know I orchestrated this before I reincarnated into this lifetime. This one particular event, planned to trigger me into my awakening and set me on my true path…the journey back to myself. So yes, I requested this and yes, it was for my greatest good and no, I would not like to go through it again. I am finally me, the me I had never met before and the me I am destined to be. As a dear friend recently told me, at the end of the day, when I take off my Wonder Woman cape, I know that with courage, grace and a never ending determination I am living my wildest dreams and building my empire of light.

So this woman who I am right now, in this moment, this is the woman who I found again because I was loved unconditionally, because then I desired to love myself unconditionally. This is who I am because I was burned and fell to ashes and then rose again. This is who I am because he loved me. This is who I am because I loved me.

In your presence I fell more in love with the best of myself. That was your gift.” -William Cummings

And this was the greatest gift I will ever receive.

 

Until we meet again,

Nikki

“When I had nothing more to lose, I was given everything. When I ceased to be who I was, I found myself.” ~me

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