the comfort in my pain

Dec 15, 2017 | 0 comments

“What I would do to take away this fear of being loved, allegiance to the pain” -Flume

I stop just before I get it. Whether it be physical, mental, emotional or spiritual, like some sort of self-sabotage, I stop before I get there. I was on my mat in downward facing dog and I wanted to pull back just as I felt the back of my left knee, where my injury is, releasing. It was almost as if I wanted to stay in that comfort zone of the pain I knew even if it meant not progressing forward towards healing. I realized I do this off my mat too. I get moving forward and then, perhaps out of fear of failure or not feeling good enough, I pull back. I decided to cut myself off so if I am going to fail I prevent myself from it before it happens. However, this action prevents me from succeeding as well. Control is what I want but what I need is to let go.

The crazy thing is that it has been this way my whole life. I think back to times when I was unhappy and in pain and yet I stayed put. Why? Because it was what I knew, what was comfortable. The fear of change was greater than the pain of staying. Writing this now it sounds CRAZY. I still find myself doing this very thing. The difference is that I recognize it much more quickly and I am most definitely willing to do the work to change now. Do you want to know the reason why? Because I have seen the other side. I know how bright the light can be and how amazing it feels to be in the flow…no matter how hard it was to get there. Before I just thought the pain and unhappiness I was feeling was normal and everyone lives like this, I will just have to grin and bear it. It was after the first time I tasted the sweetness of an authentic life that I knew I would never go back, no matter what. Yes, there are days I fall back into old behaviors but those days are less and less and fewer and further in between now. Life isn’t easy but it sure is simple. We are the ones who complicate it unnecessarily. Our biggest perpetrator is our self, a.k.a. our Ego.

We are our worst enemy. When I think of my dreams I sometimes tell myself, impossible! I shut myself down before I even have a chance. It wasn’t anyone else, it was me. First, I have to dream. Then, I have to believe. Next, I have to allow. I continue to think and allow and progress and move towards my dream until one day, I am sitting at Schwedegan Pagida in Yangon, Myanmar with tears streaming down my face wondering how this all came true. IS this real? Am I traveling the world on this healing journey as I am called? Yes! This is my dream and where I find inspiration. What is your dream? What makes you feel inspired and gives you a thrill when you think of it? Please don’t shut yourself down before you even have a chance. Walk towards it and say yes, I am capable. You are entitled to your dream life. Why aren’t you living it?       

“We are determined to be starved before we are hungry.” -Thoreau

I am living the life I have always dreamed of. Always dreamed of, of course, until I became old enough to let society etc. cloud my imagination and tell me my dreams were unrealistic; it’s time to get a job, get married, buy a house, have babies and be like everybody else…sound familiar? Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with this dream, except that it wasn’t really mine. For years I allowed myself to struggle, finding comfort in my pain of conforming. Then one day in 2012 I woke up and decided to fight. I fought hard and I finally allowed myself to hear the voice of my inner child again. She reminded me of my dreams to live a life traveling this world and together we made it happen. That’s not to say one day I won’t get married, buy a house and have babies. But this will most likely happen while traveling…it will happen my way. So take a moment, like, a REAL moment. No distractions, no what ifs, no “it’s impossible!”, no doubts, no “I am not good enough” and ask your inner child to remind you what it is that you used to want when you believed anything was possible. Don’t dismiss the first thought that comes to mind because that is probably the truth. It isn’t foolish, nor is it childish. It is what you truly want and it IS possible. You just have to stop ignoring it, stop telling yourself it’s silly and most certainly stop feeling embarrassed by it and start doing something to make it happen. How do you feel when you think about it? That is your answer. Stick with that feeling and allow it to guide you, it will never lead you astray. Stop being concerned with how your life looks and instead think, how does it feel? How do you want it to feel? Looks are surface level, on the outside and feelings run deep, on the inside. Looks fade but feelings remain. How do you want your life to FEEL? We resonate with what we are in alignment with. If you want something and you believe you can have it, the only thing left to do is allow it to come to you. If you are aligned with your desires, the Universe/God/Source etc. has no other choice then to support you on your path to that desire. And support you it will.

“To develop a more or less accurate self-image…is simply to gain a comprehensive awareness of those facets of yourself which you didn’t know existed. And these facets are easily spotted because they show up as your symptoms.” -Ken Wilber

“…Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

-Marianne Williamson

If you recognize your fear and why it is there, you can use the tools you have gained to move forward in spite of it, knowing whatever comes is exactly what you need and you will be able to handle it. As long as the feeling attached is a good feeling, keep moving in that direction. Even if you think maybe something painful will come from this, that’s ok, it is all part of the plan/lesson. Fear is darkness and while darkness is our greatest teacher, the light is our ultimate ally. Bring light to the fear and become friends with it…your great and worthy opponent will lead you to your wildest dreams and a life you are in love with.

Until we meet again,

Nikki

Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

Phuket, Thailand

Koh Lanta, Thailand

Koh Phangan, Thailand

Bangkok, Thailand

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