I’m not a photographer. I know, I know, everything after “I am” creates. But it’s true, I’m not. I took one photography class in college and absolutely loved it. I can appreciate a good photograph but I never feel like I can capture that exact moment; I don’t have the eye for it. I was visiting this preschool project and these children were outside playing. Something felt different. I was energetically drawn to two little boys even though neither one of them would look at me. I don’t know if they were afraid, embarrassed or intimidated, but I could feel their hesitation and their curiosity. I stood there for a few moments and snapped a couple of photos. Still, neither one of them would look at me. Then for just a moment, an instant, this little boy gazed his beautiful eyes in the direction of mine and I caught his stare. It was like my heart skipped a beat and we connected. I snapped the photo. It was the only one I got of him looking at me. I look at it now and I feel like I can read the stories of entire lifetimes in his eyes. On the outside he Is a busy young child but when I look into his eyes I see sadness and a knowing, not from this lifetime but from lifetimes lived before. I see depth and a wisdom beyond his years. His soul feels old to me, as if he has a story to tell. When I looked in his eyes at this moment I didn’t see a little boy on the playground I saw a soul who had already lived so many times before.

Illusion. We all know the Webster Dictionary definition: illusion: ɪˈluːʒ(ə)n/ noun; (1) : the state or fact of being intellectually deceived or misled. It’s not something that we are born with it’s something that we masterfully create behind the scenes of our consciousness due to influences from society and our culture as we grow from baby into adult. It’s not something we’re aware of or something we’re trying to do, it’s something that happens. The definition of Illusion that I’m speaking of pertains to something different. The reality that we think is our reality is in fact an illusion we have created. Our reality is really what we create inside of us. Have you ever heard the phrase only love is real? It’s more true than you may know. Love is the only real and true thing that lives within us from lifetime to lifetime. As I began to awaken to the fact that I was living in an illusion of my own creation, I simply started to ask questions and get curious. That is where it all starts.

I’ve been lucky enough to have people who are still in my life that have accepted me for who I am. They may not personally understand why I’m on this journey and they don’t need to.  They accept me and support me no matter what. You have to understand we all have different paths. It doesn’t make them right or wrong, there is no right or wrong. If we all lived the same life things sure would be boring. Every creature has its place and purpose that is known as our Inner Nature. If we listen to that we will know what our purpose in life is. Yet so many of us stay stuck in the wrong job, the wrong marriage and in the wrong place. If we listen to and respect our Inner Nature, we know where we do and do NOT belong. But are we willing to admit it to ourselves? The trick is knowing your truth and making it authentic to you instead of comparing yourself and your life to anyone else’s. One man’s food is another man’s poison. If we work with the natural order of things instead of resisting and struggling against what is meant for us, we can operate with minimal effort. Take nature for instance. Nature follows it’s instincts and operates flawlessly. Remember, nature always finds a way…and it really always does. It is the brain of man that interferes and complicates things, trying to justify them, organize them and make them sound logical so that we may continue doing what it determines is the best for us. The thing is, living in your truth shouldn’t be that hard! It should be effortless. Be rather than do.

A while back I had a small portion of my natal chart read by a trusted astrologist. She told me that one of my greatest purposes in this lifetime is to seek and find my truth. I am here in this lifetime to be a teacher, to help teach others to find their own truths through learning and sharing the knowledge and lessons of my journey. When she told me this I didn’t know I was leaving for this trip, I didn’t know anything about it yet. She told me I was going to be doing a lot of traveling by car or train. Using planes only to get to these destinations. It was a hard decision regarding sharing these very personal details of my physical, emotional, mental and spiritual life on this blog, but I knew I had to. I also knew that despite my fears, it would be received with love. You can’t argue with your true purpose but you can choose not to accept it, we all have free will. If you do accept it, rest assured it will benefit you and others beautifully.

This is my reality and I have chosen to accept it. Three weeks ago I almost bought a ticket home. I cried so hard and told the Universe, I don’t know if I can do this…I don’t know if I am strong enough. All I kept hearing back was, yes you can. The thought of going home didn’t make me feel like a failure, it was nothing like that, but it felt like the wrong decision. it was a distraction, avoidance and escapism. I was living in my ego and feeling a loss of control. I decided I needed to take a step back and observe what was really going on. “Taking the observer position helps us release our need to control everything. It places us in the flow of evolution.” –The Celestine Prophecy. You know when you have a dream where you can’t talk and you open your mouth and nothing comes out and you start screaming because you think maybe it will work if I scream and you scream louder and harder and nothing comes out? It was like I was talking and no one was listening. No one could hear my screams. I was wanting everyone else to hear them and come to my rescue and fix my problems. I kept ignoring the fact that I had to be quiet to hear the answers so I just kept figuratively screaming with no noise.  Talk about symbolism. These past 3 weeks were the worst I have had in a while. In fact I felt like the pain was starting all over again from the beginning. Last year was full of healing, purifying and the clearing out of a lot of old spiritual and emotional blocks. I didn’t realize through all the healing I went through this past year how well equipped I had become to handle so much of what my life has thrown at me. Last year provided a lot of comfort and warmth and I feel prepared for this year. This year feels like it will bring many sudden, unexpected extremes and will be full of difficult work. There is no rest for the weary. I felt so much courage and strength when I left in January and during this recent intense time I felt it dwindling. I realized how sometimes you need to lose something to get it back in an even better way. Regressing isn’t bad…it’s where we learn our greatest lessons. My strength and courage right now has shifted from before. When I feel that fear in my belly I ask it what it’s all about and I bring the light to it. If it is an old pattern, I pause and try to alter the path to a new and healthier one.

Understand that awakening and finding your true purpose isn’t only for the naturally spiritually inclined. It is accessible to everyone and it is a gift we are given. Some of us choose to accept it and some of us choose not to. It took me 29 years to begin to accept it. So I find myself again questioning what I believe about God. Not really the existence of God but his actuality. As I expand my horizons and I am exposed to the wisdom and knowledge that is tucked away in the remote places of this earth I begin to see it all anew. Is God a form who died for our sins and reigns in the heavens above, separate from man? Or is he just a man, like you and I, who was awakened to his truths, flowing flawlessly with the natural order of things and became full of so much light that he was able to walk on water and heal the sick. That kind of awakening, does it exist in us all? Is this state attainable by any man should he chose to embrace it? Christians believe there will be a rapture, where God returns to earth to save his children. What if, just what if, we are what we are waiting for? What if we are meant to save ourselves with the spirit of God that resides inside of us. Is this state of being available for us to understand that the spirit of God simply lives within us all, ready to give us the answers if we choose to listen? What if God is us and we are God and this whole time he has been right inside of us patiently waiting for us to save ourselves???

So bring on the flames. I am fearful, but I will not stop. I am prepared, and those tools that I don’t have yet I will acquire. I will continue to uncover my reality and end my illusion because my life depends on it.

“Step into the fire of self-discovery. This fire will not burn you, it will only burn what you are not.” -Mooji

Until we meet again,

Nikki

*ps: the captions on the photos are unable to be seen on a mobile device so I will just explain them here. The 2 very bright and colorful pictures are of the sun rising one morning as I started teaching my yoga class. The sky kept changing like it was a living watercolor. There is a picture of me eating a traditional Sri Lankan meal (so ridiculously spicy that I could only eat the rice!) at a Full Moon celebration they have one time a year in the local town where I live. They cook the food in giant pots over fire and distribute the food to everyone in a banana leaf. No one can eat until all have been served. There is a picture of a traditional Sri Lankan stick fisherman. There are a couple pictures of the local bus which looks like a disco party! The photo of me with a turtle is the beach patrol we do once a week. We join with the turtle hatchery to scan the beach at night looking for female turtles laying eggs. We then collect the eggs and take them to the hatchery to safely incubate. Once they hatch they keep the babies for 3 days and then we can release them back to the ocean. This particular turtle was over 100 years old! We also had to help her back to the ocean because she kept digging herself into a deeper hole in the sand.