confront the shadow, surrender within
Recently I have been shown how strong my fear/Ego is and I fought and fought against it so hard I was exhausted. When I got to that point where I wanted to give up, I let go instead and surrendered. In that surrender I found everything, because there is a difference between giving up and letting go. I had feared the idea of surrender most of my life because my mind had taught me to, convincing me that is weak and that is where the fear lives. I recently realized I have been tapping into the space of surrender since I was a little girl. I had no idea what it was then and as I grew up, instead of being guided, supported and encouraged to go there, societal conditioning told me to fear that place. Then my Ego told me to fear that place so that I would never go there and my EGO and FEAR could remain present in my life, thriving off of my lack of believing anymore. I used to believe in everything when I was a little girl. Didn’t we all? Those days when Santa Claus’ visit to my house on Christmas Eve sent a wave of light, warmth and pure bliss through my body as I went downstairs on Christmas Day to see that, yes, he had visited me too! When did it change? Not the belief in Santa Claus but the belief in magic? Magic isn’t this commercialized version of the term that marketers want us to understand. Magic is SO SIMPLE.
“Sometimes people don’t want to hear the truth because they don’t want their illusions destroyed” -Nietzsche
We were born with it and we always believed in it until we were told not to. And who the f*ck felt like they had the right to tell me magic wasn’t real and not to believe anymore?! As I spend my days and dedicate my life to remembering the truth within, my inner child has been right here with me. SHE is the one who reminds me to believe and she is the one who reminds me it’s ok to laugh and be silly, that I don’t always have to be appropriate and worry how others perceive me. She is the one who has played a huge part in reminding me that magic does exist and it starts within. As within, so without. So if I find that magical place inside of me once again, I can begin to remember and create a life outside that is just as magical as it is inside.
“And as a gift to you, the Universe will keep confronting you with lies until you release them.” “Our mission is to love, be loved, to live in bliss.”
If I choose not to accept something when it comes up again, it is like I am learning it for the first time and I go through all the emotions that I suppressed the first time. The degree to which things/people affect me is in my control. I can blame these things/people and fall back on them which keeps me stuck, or I can understand them, choose to take control and move past limitations. When I submit to hardships I yield to negativity. Of course, it has an effect, but I decide how much and I can take control and change the degree to which it affects me. Every situation and relationship is different and if I block myself with fear, I block the gifts and lessons I was meant to receive. Ask yourself as I did: What lurks beneath? What is in my depths that makes me fear my own peace? What is it that waits for me in the center of my soul? “The divine light is piercing through shadows, bringing to awareness all that is ready to transform. As the stuff from the depths rises to the surface of your consciousness, you have the opportunity to examine and deal with it. To take responsibility for the roles you have played, the choices you have made. With the owning of responsibility, you also reclaim the power to change.” Remembering how I learn from opposites, I can not know the light without going through the deepest night.
The Phoenix is an Egyptian, mythological bird that makes its own funeral pyre, lights it on fire, burns itself then rises from the ashes; self-emulation. As I dive into self-healing I literally create my own funeral as I dive into the shadow, light it on fire by confronting it, burn myself and what no longer serves me by walking through that fire and rising again, reborn, as I surrender to the Divine within. I have made a conscious decision that I can not carry my past around any longer for it has become too heavy. Those pieces of the past, I have given back to the past.
Finding my tribe, my community, is part of what helps me to heal. I attract different people into my life for a purpose and if I can embrace that purpose and let it be what it is meant to be instead of what I expect it to be, and therefore force it to be, we can help each other to be exactly what the other needs. This creates unity and helps us heal together as a collective.
“The Devil has to do with issues of projection. We project our own shadow sides onto those we disapprove of which are qualities within ourselves we haven’t accepted.” -Tara Greene
I have found my way into the flow or the vortex. Best of all, when I fall out now I have learned how to flow back in, dancing in harmony with all things in life. I understand that I can not stay in this place of bliss and perfection forever as it is inevitable the shadow will trickle over me once again. This is ok and I accept this as I have come to appreciate the darkness as one of my greatest teachers. I used to think I could find a way to always stay in the light, but I no longer want to. What would I learn if I got to a place where everything always went my way? Life would be boring! So I embrace the shadow, I accept the darkness instead of resisting it and I have come to a place where I more willingly journey into the underworld to learn what gifts are awaiting me. With the support of too many people to name, I have learned that my best tools for surviving the darkness are living from my heart center, breathing and connecting deep into my belly/womb and simply LETTING GO and allowing.
She danced with the Devil and flowed in his veins, the warmth that he sought, the touch of a friend. White like Fire, yet cool like Rain, a smile on his face he knew it began the transition to lightness, will he withstand? With her by his side, what left to fear? For he is the biggest fear and still, she keeps him near. “What have you?!” says she, “my soul is what you seek?” He looks surprised at her gall and her being quick to speak. “No. YES. I want it but I don’t.” “You have it,” said she, “but so do I-so together, we float.” -Nicole Pruss
So yes, I always know who I am dancing with. It is said the Devil was once a light being who fell to the shadow and was tempted by the darkness. He too must fear it because if he didn’t he would be at the seat of God once again. But instead of fighting he succumbs. So perhaps my dancing with him will bring him more light and remind him of the beauty of living in your truth.
“If you ever have the rare opportunity to speak with the Devil, then do not forget to confront him in all seriousness. He is your Devil after all.” -Carl Jung
until we meet again,
This post is dedicated to Jim. Who marched with me into my place of fearing and stayed until I found my way out. Aho brother.
I died the day he left me. Actually, I am the one who got into the car and drove away. I resisted it fiercely but somewhere deep down I knew that I had to. After it ended, for me, there was nothing left. My whole life felt like it ended also, and in a way, it did. My...
"What I would do to take away this fear of being loved, allegiance to the pain” -Flume I stop just before I get it. Whether it be physical, mental, emotional or spiritual, like some sort of self-sabotage, I stop before I get there. I was on my mat in downward...
Dark. That's what it's been for the last 3 months. Dark. You wonder why I haven't written? I didn't have words. Writer's block is a serious and scary thing! The thing that was scarier was that there was just darkness, the absence of light...and absolutely no...